Help! I Can’t Have an Orgasm!

• We talk about some taboo here
• Do you always have a happy ending with your partner
• This can be normal sometimes

You’re in a happy relationship, and you generally have no complaints about your guy, other than the normal ones we all have. Still, you can’t have an orgasm—why? The first thing to understand is that it doesn’t happen to everyone, every time.  Fatigue, cramps, a grumpy boss, financial problems—these can all keep you from hitting the “Big O.” But missing it every time? That’s a problem that needs to be dealt with!

If the Bill of Rights had been written by women, the right to achieving orgasm would have been at least number 11, right after the proper position for a toilet seat. Physically, every woman should be able to achieve an orgasm but, like lipstick shades, what does it for some, doesn’t do it for others. But back to your dilemma. If everything should be right, what’s going wrong? Why can’t you have an orgasm?

IF IT’S NOT HIM, IT COULD BE YOU

Assuming you want to have an orgasm (if you think only “bad girls” find pleasure in sex you need more help than this article can offer) how do you achieve it?  A little fantasy, dirty language, some light bondage…what do you fantasize about? Have you told your partner what you’d like him to do? The man is not a mind reader; he needs to know what feels good and what doesn’t. A little encouragement from you, a little pleasurable response should help him find the way. And, perhaps he’s just as eager to experiment as you are. After all, life can be routine enough, but the sex doesn’t have to be! 

Think about what you do when you’re alone, when it’s just you and the vibrator. Translate that to what happens between the two of you. And turn off your mind. If you’re thinking of something else, you’re not fully engaged. And if you’re not fully engaged, both of you lose out.

TRY SOMETHING NEW

Different positions, different locations, different toys can spice things up. Watch porn, read excerpts from “50 Shades of Grey,” invest in some “naughty girl” lingerie. Be the aggressor, push him up against the kitchen cabinet and get busy. Try a blindfold, try some lubricant, and maybe even search for that fine line between pain and pleasure…still not working?

IF IT’S NOT YOU, IT COULD BE HIM. If everything looks good on paper with your guy, maybe you’re not being completely honest with yourself. Are you pretending to be happier than you are? Is there underlying tension or unhappiness in your relationship that may be keeping you from letting go of your inhibitions long enough to have an orgasm? Also, is he invested in you being able to have an orgasm? If he’s not concerned about your lack of orgasm, you have a bigger problem. If his idea of a good time is to fool around for 5 minutes before the big game starts, it may be time to reevaluate this relationship. 

Talk about the problem

But assuming he wants you to receive as much pleasure as he’s getting, start with the basics: Be honest about what pleases both of you and what doesn’t. Find out if he wants to try the same things you do.  Agree to try anything once. That position that sounds nasty might turn out to do the trick. You trust him to listen to your needs; he’ll trust you as well.   

While it’s not unusual for couples to climax at the same time, it’s not the norm, either. He may roll off after climaxing, but his hands and mouth should linger until you have an orgasm, too. 

IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S NOT HIM, SO WHAT IS IT?

If none of these ideas seem to work, try some new tactics. Start with delaying sex for a week or more. Agree to not have sex for a set period of time, and that includes masturbation. See if abstinence doesn’t improve things while it increases both your desires. Call it the honeymoon effect—absence (or abstinence) makes the heart grow fonder. It also makes you hornier and more likely to have an orgasm. 

Consider too that if you’ve gone for a long period of time unable to have an orgasm, your problem could be medical. Any number of underlying medical conditions could hold you back.  A medication you’re taking or a hormonal imbalance could contribute to your failure to launch.  There is nothing you can say to your doctor that the doctor has not heard before, nothing that will shock the doctor into banning you from the office. And nothing the doctor can gossip about. Be open and honest about the problem and consider the advice offered.

Why this problem is here?

And of course, your problem could be mental. Maybe you’ve lost your job, or a family member, or financial problems have you distracted. The new boss is pushing for longer hours, the car needs major work and there’s no money. It’s hard to force worries from your mind and relax enough to have an orgasm.  

Try to look at sex as a release from day to day events. It’s a time for you and your partner to put the world aside, to close the door on life and seek pleasure. Sex and orgasm is communication and affirmation for the affection the two of you feel. With your partner, there should be no inhibitions, no wrong moves. If you are open enough to share sex with your partner, you should be open to all the infinite variations that word entails. Experiment, play games, play dress up, be honest about your desires and what makes your heart (and other body parts) flutter. And when you find something that works, enjoy!