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The Doctor’s Orders: More Sex Now

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You have it right in front of you. The magic pill: It boosts your immune system, lowers blood pressure, eases pain and burns calories. Side effects are temporary breathlessness and lightheadedness, momentary rise in heart rate and flushed skin.  Pregnancy, birth, your child’s needs as an infant and toddler, and just the chores of parenting often make having more sex fall to the bottom of your to-do list.

It takes effort to remember that sex is not something you should put off or treat as superfluous. In fact, frequency of intercourse has been found to be a significant predictor of longevity. It also actually improves cardiovascular health (researchers found sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half for the men).

The body


Apart from the list of medical advantages, “being intimate” in couple has psychological ones. The rise in endorphins from the exercise, and release of oxytocin post-orgasm encourages a feeling of connectedness between you and your spouse. Simply put, good sex reminds you how much you like your partner. 

After decades of sex research, the best advice is to schedule sex and motivate yourself to join in even if you initially aren’t into it. Once “starting” many women report thinking, “Hmm, this wasn’t such a bad idea after all.” Just the act of having sex rekindles the buzz of lust between you your partner. 

The killers

A partner having a argument with his significant other

If you think it’s not just the exhaustion of parenting that is making the desire for sex wane, taking the next step to look for medical and psychological reasons is a must for your relationship. Some of the most common “libido-killers” are: 

Oral birth control, pain medication or antidepressants. High levels of mercury in your system, or just an accumulation of pollutants that come from unhealthy living. (Mercury affects your zinc levels, which, in turn, affect testosterone, in both men and women). Chronic pain from an accident, sports injury, or pain during intercourse (which may be due to something as easily fixable as lack of adequate lubrication). Sleep deprivation so common as a result of busy schedules, interrupted sleep or disorders, such as sleep apnea. Unresolved mental health problems such as depression and anxiety. 

Talk and partner


More subtle and less talked about psychological factors include anger, resentment and jealousy. Feeling annoyed, slighted or ignored by your partner can significantly affect your sex drive—something that men often have a hard time understanding. Healing old wounds and resolving conflicts often lead to better sex, something that may encourage a stubborn partner to communicate, problem solve, apologize or even go to couples counseling.  Not “feeling” sexy has a direct correlation with the amount of sex you want to have.

Weight gain is the number one reason women feel “less sexy.” While getting on a healthy eating plan is obviously the long-term solution, some quick fixes include dimming the lights and lingerie that hides what you feel are your “problem areas.” Pressure to make sex or more sex a “event” is one reason couples often list as an excuse they use not to have sex. My suggestion is to stop comparing your “nookie” to movie sex where there is choreography and calisthenics that are not realistic.  Leave the Cirque du Soleil moves to acrobats, not everyone needs a pole or swing in their bedroom to have satisfying sex. 

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